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This is for us.

We all had those moments.

That frustration of having to make ends meet, the pain of being taken for granted, and that drowning feels of not being loved enough – we all had pains we thought would never make us happy again.

Yeah. They might never go away. They might be there until the day you die. They might even be the cause of your death.

However.

When Jesus’ back was turned into ribbons of flesh, when His head became a cushion for thorns, when He walked that shame of cavalry, and when His hands and feet were attached to a piece of wood by nails, He didn’t dwell on the pain nor did He complain (even if He had every right to). He focused His mind, heart, and soul to what is to happen after for He knew that what He have gone through is necessary and cannot be taken out of the equation. He could have walked away and killed all of the persecutors who did nothing but bring Him agony and false judgement, if only He asked His Father in heaven to.

But He didn’t.

Because the victory after the cavalry is the one He wants to share with us. It is a victory that will outlive His life as a human and will bring glory and praises to Him as a God.

2000 years after, our circumstance on earth hasn’t changed. There is still an endless need albeit the limited resources. There are still murder, adultery, lies, hunger for love, wars, famine, and calamities. But what the victory brought us is this:

Earth is not the end point. Heaven is.

“..that whoever believes in Jesus shall not perish but have eternal life.”

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You won’t find your name here.

image

You know why I don’t write about you and post it here?

It’s because I don’t want to confine you in the vast expanse of the internet world where you could wander around and suddenly feel that you’re lost. I can’t hold the rope for you if that’s the case. It will be of no use.

I know you’d be struggling on your own, trying to get free and scavenge the remains of your existence in the recesses of these things we call memories.

I don’t want to preserve you. I don’t want to document your existence.

You’re too precious to share, too precious to lose.

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A Pinch of Tingle

You know what makes me happy? That’s right. Fast WiFi.

Of course, it’s a little silly to be happy over things as small as that but, you know, I don’t get to have that often. I know it sounds old or maybe pathetic to you since you live in the largest wired city in the world. The thing is, I don’t. The fastest that I could download a single  1.4 gig movie is during a span of 24 hours (that’s Lucy btw, I just finished downloading it a few hours ago). You should forgive me, dire sire.

I figured out that WiFi is actually faster during dawn so I wake up voluntarily at 4 a.m. or so. (Honestly, I even try to wake at 1 in the morning and then sleep again at 4 until 6 to get ready for my class.)

What?

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I surrender.

Everything he said made my decision more profound. It was best and right to give him up. If I were too selfish and have kept him to myself, he would still be in my hands where I could cause him to sin and break God’s rules. I would still cause him to disobey his parents and dishonor them. I would still cause him to lie over and over again to keep us together. He would still be in my hands where I would lead him to destruction.

But it’s not just him that could be ruined if I hadn’t given him up. I would also put myself above God, saying things like ‘I could take care of him just fine’ and ‘It’s okay. We’re okay’ even if we’re not. I would disregard God’s compassion towards me and choose to stand on my own strength, which is weak in my own sense. I would dishonor my mom and lie to her. I would lie to myself, too, and put down God’s standards to my level. I would shamelessly justify my acts through God’s grace and when the worse come to worst, God actually said that He will disown me.

The cost of following Christ is too much, but it’s not what I am not willing to pay. I have to die in myself so that I could live in Him. And to die, I must give up all my treasures here on earth, and the few includes him. I had to give him up, and so I did. Because for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

I gave him up. I will no longer lead both of us to sin. I will follow Christ all my days for He was the One who came down and rescued me. I will be weak and it will be painful. I will be insignificant and be trampled upon like a doormat. However, I will serve God and travel the narrow path. In times of sadness, I will praise Him. In times of trials, I will remain faithful. I will be persecuted and even if I am able to retaliate, I will hold my tongue, for the fruits of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. I will remain faithful and love God above all for it says,”Love the Lord your God will all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.”

I gave him up. But not the love that overflows and spills from my heart to my mind. What the heart feels, the mind remembers. But Jesus gives me peace, and I can feel it. In the storm of sadness, I can feel His presence. It is true. Jesus calms all storms until there is only a little rain. I have cried with closed eyes and muffled sounds enough. He takes my chin in His hands and lifts it up so I can see His wonderful face. He’s proud. He’s never been so proud.

I might still cry from time to time. Cry myself to sleep like what I did the night before(and if you read this everyday, it might still be true), but Jesus will dry them over and over again until the time when there is not a tear left to wipe.

For if this is true love, it can wait.

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We’ve spent so much of our time clenching our jaws tight, blocking the words that just beg to be spoken and be heard, failing to take the chance to finally set things right just because the courage mustered was not potent enough… We were not potent enough. Like a quicksand beneath our bare feet, time and thoughts and imagination has gone wild and eat our punny little brains.

We
don’t
stand
a
chance.

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No more time

Why is it that we always feel like we’ve got a lot of time on our hands until there’s no more time left?

Cristian Mihai

time Here we are, holding hands, staring down at the dark, endless abyss. Here we are, standing at the edge of forever. Time does not exist here.

It’s just now. No future, no past. Just now. A singular moment, an infinite stretch of emotions and words left unsaid.

“I could conquer the world with one hand,” I tell her. “If only you’d hold the other.”

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